Cizojazyčné vtipy

Otevřená diskuze | Kategorie: Humor
Zidane (2019-01-15 12:53:37)Jindra60 (2019-01-15 09:38:53)Bouda05 (2019-01-15 09:05:20)Sten (2019-01-15 07:46:39)katerina.1789 (2019-01-15 07:12:35)xkox (2018-12-24 21:13:14)Key.Maker (2018-11-12 21:44:19)radiac (2018-02-17 15:42:55)Neutrix (2018-01-25 21:43:52)kusurija (2017-09-25 19:57:51)Jirikovo (2017-07-25 21:43:24)Alice.Belickova (2016-05-21 23:05:53)
Založeno: 26. 4. 2016 | Příspěvků: 342 | Členů: 12
Správci: Zidane (hlavní)

Máte vtip v jiném jazyku než je čeština nebo slovenština a nevíte, jak ho přeložit, nechce se vám nebo vtip přeložit nejde, aniž byste ho zabili? Zde je to pravé místo, kam s ním.

Překlady z méně obvyklých jazyků než je angličtina (ruština, finština, pandžábské dialekty atd.) vítány, ale nevyžadovány. Uvažte sami, nakolik očekáváte, že bude vtipu v originále porozuměno a buďte připraveni vyhovět ev. žádosti o překlad.

Držte se slušného vychování nebo se s Viktorem Čističem potážete či rovnou banem poctěni budete.
Zda a jak budete potrestáni závisí na úvaze vedení klubu.

Sesterská fóra na české vtipy zde:
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/104-vtipy-forky-kamenaky-cerny-humor/
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/2052-vtipne-vtipy/
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/2059-cerny-humor/

Nemůžete přispívat - nejste přihlášen!

  • Jindra60
    Jindra60, 15.1.19 07:03:28  
     

    https://i.pinimg.com/originals/aa/58/17/aa581770ff708ba16ce0d7b6a3209969.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 13.1.19 01:36:52  
     

    If a female flies a plane, does she sit in a cuntpit?

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 15.1.19 07:05:40  
       

      :14: :14: :14:
      (možná trošku za hranou, ale dobrý)

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 11.1.19 00:43:33  
     

    Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !

  • Domecek
    Domecek, 22.12.18 21:32:39  
     

    A group of young people is walking through a forest. Suddenly a young man of them shouted:"I want to piss!" The leader answered:"But it is better to say I need go to the toilet." "However I need no toilet nor it is here. I only want to piss!"

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 7.12.18 21:13:57  
     

    http://i61.tinypic.com/10ge6hz.jpg

  • Braddock
    Braddock, 4.12.18 19:12:40  
     

    Sice pár let starej, ale...

    The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

    Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

    Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

    The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

    The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.

    Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

    Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

    The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

    Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.

    All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a Gay Disco.

    Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

    The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.

    Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

    Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".

    All information on notices boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.

    Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

    The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

    The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.

    She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

    Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

    The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

    His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 27.11.18 12:33:50  
     

    - Where are you from?
    • Czechia
    - Chechnya?
    • No, Czechia..Prague, Ice Hockey and beer
    - Ah, Czechia... Babiš...
    • Oh no, sorry...Chechnya

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 18.11.18 17:21:25  
     

    An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”

    A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 16.11.18 13:38:00  
     

    I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."
    "Capricorn." I replied.
    "Yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 13.11.18 12:30:14  
     

    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/1c/51/16/1c5116a734a5a33f46b4589986d9b398.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 13.11.18 12:15:05  
     

    https://i.nyx.cz/files/00/00/14/86/1486631_6cabd14bb258da72009c.jpg?name=lRW9eee.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 10.11.18 00:35:29  
     

    Mickey Mouse went to the court to get a divorce from Minnie.
    The judge says: "I can not legally divorce you just because you think that Minnie is stupid."
    "I didn´t say that she was stupid. She is fucking Goofy!"

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 9.11.18 11:22:59  
     

    I have a friend called Guy Chapman.

    Or Person Personperson thanks to fucking feminists.

  • Sten
    Sten, 26.10.18 11:53:40  
     

    Programmers’ trial:
    “Does the jury find the defendant guilty or innocent?”
    “Yes!”

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 25.10.18 23:27:39  
     

    In hospital:
    "Son?"
    "Yes, Dad."
    "Before I go, I need you to do one thing for me."
    "Of course. What?"
    "Finish me off - with dignity."
    "Ok. I'll pull the curtain round but I'm not swallowing."

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 2.12.18 16:46:59  
       

      OMG! :14: :14: :14:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 25.10.18 23:27:03  
     

    'Single mums in your area are desperate to meet you now'.

    Too fucking right they do, I'm a benefits advisor.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 21.10.18 13:42:44  
     

    Fuck me, another royal brat. As if London hasn't already got enough niggers living off the state as it is.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 11.10.18 05:44:48  
     

    It's a little known fact that the writer of "Winnie the Pooh", A.A.Milne, had a smaller brother called A.A.A Milne.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 9.10.18 17:18:06  
     

    https://i.nyx.cz/files/00/00/19/01/1901928_fc06954ddb855558914f.jpg?name=4.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 9.10.18 17:16:56  
     

    https://i.nyx.cz/files/00/00/19/01/1901934_ef90a4f88d88c56ce363.jpg?name=machine-learning.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.10.18 18:39:52  
     

    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.10.18 13:55:51  
     

    Hygge - Danish word meaning the warm, cosy glow you feel when you sell overpriced furniture and lifestyle books to gullible English people.

    • Sten
      Sten, 4.10.18 14:07:04  
       

      Swedish

      • Zidane
        Zidane, 4.10.18 14:09:27  
         

        Wikina sice není dvakrát relevantní zdroj, takže by se na ni příliš odkazovat nemělo, ale:

        https://cs.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hygge

        Hygge je dánské a norské slovo, vyjadřující pohodový přístup k životu, spjatý s pohodlným bydlením a uměním najít si něco krásného v každém okamžiku.

        ...

        Hygge jako součást dánské kultury je nedávný fenomén, který se datuje do konce 20. století.

        • Zidane
          Zidane, 4.10.18 14:11:15  
           

          A třeba https://www.elle.cz/clanek/co-je-to-fenomen-hygge-a-proc-bychom-se-meli-ucit-dansky - "životní styl podle Skandinávců", ovšem "slovo hygge pochází z dánštiny".

          Byť ono je to jedno, v takto sousedních jazycích, které se přirozeně protkávají, už se kolikrát ani neví, kde jaké slovo vzniklo :6:

        • Sten
          Sten, 4.10.18 14:12:58  
           

          Ale IKEA je švédská :1:

          • Zidane
            Zidane, 4.10.18 14:16:25  
             

            To je, tak si to slovo přivlastnila, no a?

            Soudruh taky nevznikl jako význam pro člena komunistické strany, byl to popis "přítele, kamaráda" - už Neruda psal o Karlu IV v Romanci o Karlu IV., že král Karel oči své po soudruhu točí - a že by tím naznačoval, že Karlík byl zakladatelem či tak něco KSZKČ - Komunistické strany Zemí Koruny české, to asi ne :1: :1: :1:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 3.10.18 12:33:21  
     

    https://i.nyx.cz/files/00/00/19/01/1901602_e8f046931a3ababbef0f.jpg?name=IMG_20181003_103836.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 1.10.18 22:26:36  
     

    "Sorry Daddy, I have been a bad girl."

    *sighs and rubs temples*
    "For the last time. It's: Forgive me father for I have sinned."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 26.9.18 13:34:44  
     

    "Jesus loves you!" is a nice thing to hear in a church, but a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.9.18 03:50:35  
     

    Why is 10 afraid of 7?
    'Cause 7 8 9!

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 16.9.18 07:05:09  
     

    https://78.media.tumblr.com/c3310a4125332cbc2d3fb67d1c97ca37/tumblr_nca4z0NmXj1qb5gkjo1_1280.png

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 16.9.18 07:03:36  
     

    https://i0.wp.com/tumbledrycomics.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/2018-09-09-bigfoot.jpg?fit=650%2C3037

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 15.9.18 19:22:45  
     

    A young secretary is first day at work, and meets her predecessor, who returned for a few last things. So the new secretary asks:
    "Why did you get fired?"
    "I did not want to let the boss come inside."
    "Inside... your office?"
    "I guess you could call it that."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 11.9.18 05:45:08  
     

    Did you know it's now politically incorrect to say 'black paint'?
    Now you have to say "Tyrone can you please paint the fence".

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 10.9.18 19:24:33  
     

    Docela výstižně popsaný imperiální (říkám tomu britský, byť se to používá i v USA) měrný systém:

    http://umsle.peklo.biz/img/1536582379.jpg

    Metrický systém je dílo ďáblovo! Jedu autem čtyřicet tyčí za prasečí hlavu a tak se mi to líbí!

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 6.9.18 21:00:39  
     

    Genie: Whats your first wish?
    Dave: I wish I was rich.
    Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
    Rich: I want lots of money.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 6.9.18 20:56:56  
     

    How feminists end their prayers?
    Awomen

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 6.9.18 20:49:51  
     

    http://i.nahraj.to/f/1q0s.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 6.9.18 20:49:05  
     

    http://41.media.tumblr.com/a5f1004887599732a23aa3224fa2172c/tumblr_o52phn3fRQ1s9y3qio1_1280.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 6.9.18 20:38:25  
     

    "Welcome to our ool. Notice there is no P in it. Please keep it that way."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 6.9.18 20:08:13  
     

    https://i.nahraj.to/f/26sR.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 25.8.18 11:50:50  
     

    From now on I'll be writing all my jokes in capitals.

    This one was written in London.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 25.8.18 11:33:15  
     

    There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.
    He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview.
    Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly.
    The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
    "Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult.
    Think well before you make up your mind."
    The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
    "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. "Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
    The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
    "How?" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
    "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
    Admission for the course was thus secured.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 25.8.18 09:55:57  
     

    Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.8.18 08:52:36  
     

    A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic.
    Because they are more likely to be dead.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.8.18 08:51:29  
     

    "Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"
    "Yes, we arson."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 20.8.18 17:28:27  
     

    A new Chinese administrator is walking through Hong Kong. He is happy to see all the Chinese restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
    "Hans Olaffsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
    So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The administrator asks, "How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
    The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
    The administrator asks, "Well, who is the owner?"
    "I am he," answers the old man.
    "You? How in Hong Kong did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
    The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come here from China, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go 'What your name?' He say 'Hans Olaffsen.' She look at me...'What your name?' I say 'Sam Ting.'"

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 2.8.18 09:18:04  
     

    My mate just asked me what ringtone I have . I said I haven't really looked. But I'll guess at light brown.