Vtipy - cizojazyčné

Otevřená diskuze | Kategorie: Humor
Sten (2017-09-20 20:13:32)Braddock (2017-09-20 17:48:21)Zidane (2017-09-20 16:12:45)Jindra60 (2017-09-18 16:51:56)Bouda05 (2017-09-14 12:48:59)katerina.1789 (2017-09-14 08:26:08)Jirikovo (2017-07-25 21:43:24)Neutrix (2017-07-13 20:55:21)xkox (2017-06-16 21:38:31)kusurija (2017-05-26 07:24:56)Alice.Belickova (2016-05-21 23:05:53)
Založeno: 26. 4. 2016 | Příspěvků: 220 | Členů: 11
Správci: Zidane (hlavní)

Máte vtip v jiném jazyku než je čeština nebo slovenština a nevíte, jak ho přeložit, nechce se vám nebo vtip přeložit nejde, aniž byste ho zabili? Zde je to pravé místo, kam s ním.

Překlady z méně obvyklých jazyků než je angličtina (ruština, finština, pandžábské dialekty atd.) vítány, ale nevyžadovány. Uvažte sami, nakolik očekáváte, že bude vtipu v originále porozuměno a buďte připraveni vyhovět ev. žádosti o překlad.

Držte se slušného vychování nebo se s Viktorem Čističem potážete či rovnou dostanete ban. Zda a jak budete potrestáni závisí na úvaze vedení klubu.

Sesterská fóra na české vtipy zde:
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/104-vtipy-forky-kamenaky-cerny-humor/
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/2052-vtipne-vtipy/
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/2059-cerny-humor/

Nemůžete přispívat - nejste přihlášen!


  • Zidane
    Zidane, 20.9.17 16:12:45  
     

    I dunno what this WiFi dude did…
    But I’ve seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately...

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 20.9.17 15:56:13  
     

    Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 14.9.17 01:36:31  
     

    Our father died, because we didn't know his blood type.
    As he died, he kept telling us to be positive. But it is very hard without you, daddy...

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 5.9.17 00:04:26  
     

    My mum walked in my room & said "You'll go blind if you do that"

    I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars & missed the eclipse.

  • Jindra60
    Jindra60, 28.8.17 11:41:51  
     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoqORos_1WA

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 14.8.17 04:27:10  
     

    http://asset-8.soupcdn.com/asset/13948/1799_83c4.jpeg

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 15.8.17 08:48:54  
       

      Zřejmě přijímací pohovor.
      - máte 15 minut zpoždění (naštvaný výraz)
      - to není moje chyba (s úsměvem)
      - jste přijat (vesele)
      - STÁVKUJI! (rozhovor se odehrával v místnosti Deutsche Bahn)

      Z mého pohledu mi to nepřipadá ani veselé, natož jako vtip. Někdo napoví?

      • Sten
        Sten, 15.8.17 09:06:54  
         

        Zpoždění a časté stávky jsou tradované atributy Deutsche Bahn

        • Zidane
          Zidane, 15.8.17 15:57:16  
           

          Tak. Kámoš žijící v Německu říkal, že přísloví "být přesný jak dráha" tam má ironický nádech :1:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 14.8.17 03:52:15  
     

    I was lying in bed this morning. Told the wife I still love her.

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 15.8.17 08:39:02  
       

      :14: :14:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 13.8.17 17:41:40  
     

    F: Warum heißt das Pferd Pferd?
    A: Weil es auf der Erde lebt. Wenn es fliegen könnte, hiesse es Pfluft!

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 13.8.17 15:16:34  
     

    http://i.imgur.com/oWFyPnx.jpg

    • Sten
      Sten, 13.8.17 16:38:09  
       

      :1:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 9.8.17 06:02:17  
     

    - Wer war der letzte Indianer?
    - ???
    - Na, doch Dodi al Fayed; der war doch der letzte in Diana!

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 9.8.17 05:57:20  
     

    I got a german girl's number at the bar last night:

    999-999 99

  • Sten
    Sten, 8.8.17 17:35:09  
     

    Amsterdam: get stoned, have sex
    Saudi Arabia: have sex, get stoned

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.8.17 02:25:38  
     

    Dogs are like having children on easy mode. They will eat literally anything, shit outside, and won't ever go to college. And they think you're the greatest thing in the world just because you are there.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.8.17 01:47:53  
     

    http://i.nahraj.to/f/qGD.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 28.7.17 01:30:29  
     

    What's the difference between a black man and HIV?

    HIV stays with the kids once they're born.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 25.7.17 22:14:14  
     

    I held the door open for a Japanese guy today.. He said, "sank you", so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he would bring up Pearl Harbor like that.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 25.7.17 02:51:50  
     

    http://jpeg.cz/images/2017/06/13/lqf0J.png

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 1.7.17 20:42:41  
     

    http://i.imgur.com/uf1fD.jpg

  • Sten
    Sten, 28.6.17 13:51:20  
     

    Trump: The less immigrants we let in, the better.
    Pence: Fewer.
    Trump: Shh, don't call me that in public yet.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 17.6.17 03:29:33  
     

    A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.
    I think if he had to build his own computer he wouldn't whine on Facebook.

    • Zidane
      Zidane, 1.7.17 20:43:40  
       

      A hlavně kecá, my doma normálně zabíjeli slepice, králíky... já sice nezabíjel, ale následně asistovat s věcmi "těsně posmrtnými" mi problémy nedělalo. A nezabíjel jsem jen proto, že otčím to uměl líp, dát např. králíkovi karate za krk, já bych ho asi zbytečně trápil :6:

      • Jindra60
        Jindra60, 4.7.17 14:50:16  
         

        Když jsem takhle lupnul prvního králíka, vytřeštil strejda oči, řka: To mu chceš tu hlavu urazit? Dyť to není býk!

        • Zidane
          Zidane, 4.7.17 15:11:19  
           

          A jak to dělal strejda? Odjakživa se snad králíkovi dává hranou ruky za krk, ne? Akorát jsem slyšel, že někdo si pomáhá třeba toporem od sekyrky, když si asi nevěří, ale jak jinak než chytit králíka za zadní,jednou rukou držet ve vzduchu a druhou ťaf za krk ho teda strejda zabíjel? Králík není slepica, tomu se hlava neseká :1:

          • Jindra60
            Jindra60, 10.7.17 11:35:39  
             

            No vždyť jo, jenže já ten švih nějak neodhadl a v rámci ať se chlupáč netrápí, jsem raději přitlačil

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 17.6.17 01:22:57  
     

    Sehr geehrter Kollege, ich bin volkommen ratlos! Ich habe mir auf diesen Zettel eine Notiz gemacht, und nun weiß ich nicht mehr, was das heißen soll: BLUMENKOHL. Den esse ich doch nicht!

    Helmut ist tot, Beerdigung, usw.

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 10.7.17 11:37:00  
       

      :14:
      ´ne Weile hat´s gedauert :14: :14:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 16.6.17 19:28:35  
     

    I was at a bar the other day when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled, "ANYONE KNOWS CPR?" I yelled back, "I KNOW THE ENTIRE ALPHABET", and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed. Well, except for this one guy.

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 10.7.17 11:40:56  
       

      to je ale do černého :14:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 15.6.17 00:08:44  
     

    Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

    The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

    The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.

    She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

    Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."

    The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"

    The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 10.7.17 11:48:44  
       

      :1: :1: :1:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 14.6.17 02:27:49  
     

    http://files.explosm.net/comics/Dave/bumbumbum.png?t=B12D32

  • Sten
    Sten, 6.6.17 15:49:28  
     

    Deutsche Firmen:
    SAP = Sicherer Arbeitsplatz
    Edeka = Ende der Karriere

  • Sten
    Sten, 6.6.17 13:31:59  
     

    “Talk to me dirty!”
    “Volkswagen diesel”

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 5.6.17 22:56:28  
     

    I called up my wife at work and said, "Honey, guess what, we're finally in a financial position to have that second child you've always wanted."
    "That's great !!" she said excitedly, "Did you get that big promotion then?"
    "No, the nursery called; Ben fell down the stairs and broke his neck."

  • Sten
    Sten, 28.5.17 14:20:25  
     

    The new Pope is a humble man, very much like me, which probably explains why I like him so much!
    — Donald J. Trump

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 27.5.17 01:32:29  
     

    When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!

    What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fucking thing!

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 27.5.17 01:26:47  
     

    It's no surprise that an object in space that steals everything and never gives it back is called a black hole.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.5.17 18:50:24  
     

    Not sure if I believe all this stuff about the genetically modified food being bad for you. I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and feel absolutely fine.

  • Sten
    Sten, 23.5.17 10:17:15  
     

    The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

  • Sten
    Sten, 11.5.17 21:23:15  
     

    The front fell off:
    https://youtu.be/3m5qxZm_JqM

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 7.5.17 02:11:16  
     

    It's no surprise that Serena Williams always wins at tennis. Black people have centuries of experience serving. And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 30.4.17 17:08:31  
     

    Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

    The results speak for themselves.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 22.4.17 16:25:07  
     

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d_w0JQPzw04/T6KGKrrXdYI/AAAAAAAAAic/G4rmtFs3AgA/s1600/Grill+-+wersja+polska..jpg

    :1: :1: :1:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 13.4.17 02:09:31  
     

    A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
    He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
    He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
    So, he gets in the first cab.
    "How much is it to the airport?" He asks.
    The driver says, "$15"
    "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"
    The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
    So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?"
    "$15"
    "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?"
    And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.
    He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.
    He asks, "hey how much to the airport?"
    Driver responds, "$15"
    The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go"
    And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 17.4.17 08:28:47  
       

      :1: :1: :1: :1:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 11.4.17 17:24:10  
     

    A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That's confidential."

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 12.4.17 13:08:23  
       

      :14: yes, it´s :14: :14: