Cizojazyčné vtipy

Otevřená diskuze | Kategorie: Humor
Jindra60 (2018-08-12 19:42:03)Sten (2018-08-11 17:26:58)xkox (2018-08-06 15:29:03)katerina.1789 (2018-08-06 13:20:00)Bouda05 (2018-08-03 14:45:56)Zidane (2018-08-02 09:22:42)Divobyj (2018-06-01 20:03:55)Key.Maker (2018-03-10 15:09:35)radiac (2018-02-17 15:42:55)Neutrix (2018-01-25 21:43:52)kusurija (2017-09-25 19:57:51)Jirikovo (2017-07-25 21:43:24)Alice.Belickova (2016-05-21 23:05:53)
Založeno: 26. 4. 2016 | Příspěvků: 291 | Členů: 13
Správci: Zidane (hlavní)

Máte vtip v jiném jazyku než je čeština nebo slovenština a nevíte, jak ho přeložit, nechce se vám nebo vtip přeložit nejde, aniž byste ho zabili? Zde je to pravé místo, kam s ním.

Překlady z méně obvyklých jazyků než je angličtina (ruština, finština, pandžábské dialekty atd.) vítány, ale nevyžadovány. Uvažte sami, nakolik očekáváte, že bude vtipu v originále porozuměno a buďte připraveni vyhovět ev. žádosti o překlad.

Držte se slušného vychování nebo se s Viktorem Čističem potážete či rovnou dostanete ban. Zda a jak budete potrestáni závisí na úvaze vedení klubu.

Sesterská fóra na české vtipy zde:
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/104-vtipy-forky-kamenaky-cerny-humor/
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/2052-vtipne-vtipy/
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/2059-cerny-humor/

Nemůžete přispívat - nejste přihlášen!

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 2.8.18 09:18:04  
     

    My mate just asked me what ringtone I have . I said I haven't really looked. But I'll guess at light brown.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 2.8.18 09:16:17  
     

    "Have you not got a girlfriend?"
    "No dad."
    "Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?"
    "No dad, not at all."
    "Are you gay?"
    "No dad, and will you please go away with your lesbian fantasies?"

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 30.7.18 17:32:35  
     

    Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

    The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 28.7.18 11:53:49  
     

    I introduced my new black girlfriend to my slightly deaf grandfather.
    "She's Annika", I said.
    "Yeah, I can see that", he replied.

  • medved.cislo.9
    medved.cislo.9, 27.7.18 16:09:33  
     

    BOTTLE OF WINE
    For all of you men who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine!
    Wayne, was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road.
    As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride.
    With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car.Resuming the journey, the old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne.
    'What's in the bag?' asked the old man.
    Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said, ...'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'
    The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
    'Good trade...'

    • Sten
      Sten, 27.7.18 17:56:58  
       

      I laughed. My wife didn't. :1: :1: :1:

      • Zidane
        Zidane, 27.7.18 21:11:36  
         

        Připomnělo Jahelku a: "Slavný soude, já nežaluju manžela, že mě v hospodě prodal za tři piva, ale tady jeho kumpána, kterej mě za dvě piva vrátil!" :1:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 18.7.18 19:05:54  
     

    Are those slaves?
    No. Prisoners with jobs.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 18.7.18 19:01:42  
     

    19 and 20 had a fight.
    21.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.7.18 11:18:20  
     

    Kommt ein Mann vom Arzt zurück.
    Fragt ihn seine Frau: "Na, was hat der Doktor gesagt?"
    "30,- Euro."
    "Nein, ich meinte, was hast du?"
    "Nur 20,- Euro!"
    "Zum Kuckuck nochmal, was fehlt dir?"
    "10,- Euro!"

    • Sten
      Sten, 4.7.18 12:18:21  
       

      To je jak s mou manželkou :1:

      • Jindra60
        Jindra60, 4.7.18 12:20:47  
         

        :1: :1: :1:

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 4.7.18 12:20:27  
       

      :1: :1: waren doch alles klare Antworten :14: :14:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.7.18 11:16:37  
     

    A jeden pro místní němčináře:

    http://asset-d.soupcdn.com/asset/13964/3068_dffb.jpeg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.7.18 11:15:40  
     

    I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist. Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.7.18 11:15:26  
     

    England does not have a kidney bank... but hey! It has a Liverpool!

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.7.18 11:14:13  
     

    "You fancy my sister, don't you?" asked my wife.
    "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."
    "You mean 'than'."
    "No."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.7.18 11:12:31  
     

    A gay robs a bank and on his way out a policeman sees him and shouts, "Freeze punk!"

    The gay stops suddenly in his tracks, turns around and says, "Free?"

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 3.7.18 05:53:13  
     

    "He used me for sex"

    No, you used sex to get something else out of him and it didn't work.

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 3.7.18 06:28:35  
       

      :1: :1: kde na to chodíš?

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.6.18 13:25:01  
     

    What is the difference between white and black fairytale? White fairytale begins:"Once upon the time...". and black begins: "Yo wont beleev this sh*t mothafucka!"

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 25.6.18 20:07:38  
       

      :14: :14: :14: :1: :1: :1:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 17.6.18 17:43:54  
     

    http://i.nahraj.to/f/ns6.jpg

    • medved.cislo.9
      medved.cislo.9, 27.7.18 16:13:14  
       

      Ony Evropské hodnoty přesídlily do USA??? :7:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 17.6.18 04:22:52  
     

    Can you kill someone by throwing a penny off of the Empire State Building?
    Yes, if there is a Jew on the roof with you.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 15.6.18 16:59:10  
     

    https://scontent-ams3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.15752-9/35200398_1004239713057864_2981348808329265152_n.png?_nc_cat=0&oh=695326fd845ae2b7cf8337a0adaa22cf&oe=5BBB02AC

    • Sten
      Sten, 15.6.18 18:38:14  
       

      It's funny because it's quite true. Alan Turing didn't speak German.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 10.6.18 23:42:07  
     

    “I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
    “And I love you tonnes.” I replied.
    “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.

    Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 10.6.18 23:35:04  
     

    A captain was inspecting his ship when he found a woman hiding in a lifeboat. She pleaded with him not to arrest her because a sailor had sneaked her aboard.
    "I met him at Southampton docks," she says. "I was feeling depressed and about to throw myself into the sea, but he offered to take me to Australia. He said that it would be a long voyage and there would be lots of stops, but as long as I stayed out of sight he would bring me food. In return, I've been giving him sex. So he's just been screwing me."
    "He certainly has," said the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry."

  • Jindra60
    Jindra60, 3.5.18 06:01:46  
     

    http://1url.cz/Htxot

  • Sten
    Sten, 22.4.18 11:09:17  
     

    https://i.redd.it/857s5zevqkvy.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 17.4.18 17:49:53  
     

    Americka zaba stoji znudene v antikvariatu u pultu, prohrabuje se knizkama, kazdou knizku vzdycky nejdriv omrkne a pak odlozi s hlaskou: "Rread it, rread it!"

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 9.4.18 12:58:18  
     

    - v tancích se celkem vyznám.
    - to ráda slyším, preferujete slowfox nebo waltz?
    - Panzerkampfwagen VIII Maus

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 29.3.18 02:58:00  
     

    My wife is in hospital after being beaten up for using the 'N' word.

    Next time I ask for a beer from the fridge, she had better use the 'Y' word.

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 29.3.18 21:46:47  
       

      :14: :14: :14:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 27.3.18 04:45:51  
     

    "Clark, where is the table?"
    "Here, Lois. We just put our drinks on it."
    "Oh yes. I didn't recognise it with glasses on."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 27.3.18 04:45:12  
     

    So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

    The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.3.18 02:25:19  
     

    A man's life is like a penis - simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Women make it hard.

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 28.3.18 13:38:09  
       

      :1: :1: :1: It´s life :7:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.3.18 01:48:25  
     

    Gay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys!

    • Sten
      Sten, 23.3.18 01:51:04  
       

      Menstruation jokes aren't funny. Period.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.3.18 01:15:59  
     

    A takto, milé děti, vzniká duha:

    https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/4457340_700b_v2.jpg

    • Sten
      Sten, 23.3.18 01:43:35  
       

      Tak proto při duze prší :2:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.3.18 01:11:10  
     

    How do you call a fish without an eye? A fsh.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.2.18 00:17:55  
     

    Her: I used to be Christian.
    Him: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.
    Her; Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 8.3.18 20:32:39  
       

      Až teď mi to došlo :6:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 13.2.18 00:41:45  
     

    Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13?
    Midlife Crisis.

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 21.2.18 12:04:24  
       

      :14: :14: :14: to je do černého

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 8.2.18 01:39:42  
     

    During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
    He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
    I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied,
    "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 1.2.18 01:03:08  
     

    Why did the slave go to college?
    To pick up his master's degree.