Cizojazyčné vtipy

Otevřená diskuze | Kategorie: Humor
Bouda05 (2019-05-18 07:51:07)katerina.1789 (2019-05-16 07:40:54)Sten (2019-05-15 23:00:28)Zidane (2019-05-15 14:18:38)Jindra60 (2019-05-15 13:51:05)xkox (2018-12-24 21:13:14)Key.Maker (2018-11-12 21:44:19)radiac (2018-02-17 15:42:55)Neutrix (2018-01-25 21:43:52)kusurija (2017-09-25 19:57:51)Jirikovo (2017-07-25 21:43:24)Alice.Belickova (2016-05-21 23:05:53)
Založeno: 26. 4. 2016 | Příspěvků: 372 | Členů: 12
Správci: Zidane (hlavní)

Máte vtip v jiném jazyku než je čeština nebo slovenština a nevíte, jak ho přeložit, nechce se vám nebo vtip přeložit nejde, aniž byste ho zabili? Zde je to pravé místo, kam s ním.

Překlady z méně obvyklých jazyků než je angličtina (ruština, finština, pandžábské dialekty atd.) vítány, ale nevyžadovány. Uvažte sami, nakolik očekáváte, že bude vtipu v originále porozuměno a buďte připraveni vyhovět ev. žádosti o překlad.

Držte se slušného vychování nebo se s Viktorem Čističem potážete či rovnou banem poctěni budete.
Zda a jak budete potrestáni závisí na úvaze vedení klubu.

Sesterská fóra na české vtipy zde:
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/104-vtipy-forky-kamenaky-cerny-humor/
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/2052-vtipne-vtipy/
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/2059-cerny-humor/

Nemůžete přispívat - nejste přihlášen!

  • Sten
    Sten, 15.5.19 11:47:09  
     

    When life gives you melons, you may be dislectic

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 15.5.19 12:43:15  
       

      Hmmm....
      If life gives you melons you might be dyslexic :4:
      Ovšem poimta je někde jinde :4:

      • Zidane
        Zidane, 15.5.19 12:57:09  
         

        Pointa :1:

        • Jindra60
          Jindra60, 15.5.19 13:33:11  
           

          :1: :1: mě nes...štvi, n je těsně vedle m,
          stejně jako O je vedle W :14: :14:

          no a L s M jsou víceméně taky vedle sebe :6:

      • Sten
        Sten, 15.5.19 13:39:36  
         

        Pravda, dyslexie se vlastně píše takhle:
        My doctor prescribed me daily sex but my girlfriend insists it reads dyslexia.

        • Jindra60
          Jindra60, 15.5.19 13:51:05  
           

          :1: :1: but it was very easy to convince her she is right by using dyslexing motion three times a day :14: :14:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 14.5.19 13:42:23  
     

    https://i.nyx.cz/files/00/00/19/92/1992082_145f4ce7c3b2de81cf2d.jpg?name=attachment.jpeg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 12.5.19 15:08:43  
     

    https://pics.me.me/the-signs-as-hairstyles-cancer-taurus-gemin-aries-virgo-scorpio-34072445.png

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.5.19 12:44:28  
     

    After a few years of married life, an engineer finds he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist.

    After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
    Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
    The witch doctor says, "I can cure this."
    He throws powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is a powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say "123" and it will rise as long as you wish!"
    The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
    The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is "1234" and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

    The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say "123" for?

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 6.5.19 11:32:58  
       

      :1: :1: :1:
      tak ten je špičkový
      :1: :1: :1:

  • Jindra60
    Jindra60, 1.5.19 20:57:55  
     

    https://i.pinimg.com/564x/37/fb/bc/37fbbca457cbf380f5eef23c3be1554c.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 22.4.19 00:23:46  
     

    A boy asks his dad:
    "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs, when their thumbs are not green?"
    The dad replies:
    "It's just a saying, son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing, they say they have been caught 'red handed', even though their hands are actually black."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 15.4.19 16:29:49  
     

    https://i.nahraj.to/f/2gNy.jpg

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 23.4.19 11:27:42  
       

      :15: :15: :15:

  • Sten
    Sten, 15.4.19 03:30:34  
     

    I'm considering getting married but I am kinda split. On one hand, I gotta wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, I don't.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 8.4.19 12:08:48  
     

    Axel Voss walks into a bar.
    "Bartender I am celebrating a victory in the European Parliament. Get me some very expensive drink."
    "Sir, this is The Inventor's Bar - our drinks are named after inventions: the harder they are to invent, the more expensive the drink is. I would recommend Perpetuum Mobile Brandy, Squared Circle Vodka or Halting Problem Rum for you."
    "Do you have something even more luxurious?"
    "Yes sir, try our most expensive beverage: try the Content Filter Which Tells Parody From Plagiarism Cognac!"

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 8.4.19 12:00:33  
     

    A book just fell on my head.

    I've only got my shelf to blame.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 3.4.19 20:35:50  
     

    Women are like grenades.

    Remove the ring and your house is gone.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 30.3.19 17:07:19  
     

    Harry Potter has way too many characters, even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

  • Sten
    Sten, 28.3.19 10:47:49  
     

    Brexit is in a quantum state. It can be everything at once as long as it is not observed. The scientific term is Particle 50.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 16.3.19 04:20:36  
     

    Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
    This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 9.3.19 10:56:38  
     

    Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
    He wanted to go bear foot.

    • Mary321
      Mary321, 9.3.19 16:14:19  
       

      :2: :2: :1:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 9.3.19 10:51:53  
     

    Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna's film Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy's sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 7.3.19 09:48:51  
     

    I used to love that old Queen song about necrophilia.

    Then I found out that "Some Body To Love" was only three words.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 7.2.19 09:13:57  
     

    http://i66.tinypic.com/15fnpsw.jpg

  • Jindra60
    Jindra60, 15.1.19 07:03:28  
     

    https://i.pinimg.com/originals/aa/58/17/aa581770ff708ba16ce0d7b6a3209969.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 13.1.19 01:36:52  
     

    If a female flies a plane, does she sit in a cuntpit?

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 15.1.19 07:05:40  
       

      :14: :14: :14:
      (možná trošku za hranou, ale dobrý)

      • Zidane
        Zidane, 8.4.19 12:19:32  
         

        Takhle se právě pozná, kdo fakt umíanglicky - to máš jako překlady z angličtiny do češtiny.

        Můžeš vtip přeložit doslovně, ale tím obvykle vtip zabiješ, nebo... pamatuju bejvalku a její jeden z prvních kontaktů se mnou:
        "Ty máš nějakou zkoušku z angličtiny nebo jsi žil chvíli mimo republiku nebo co? Umíš s tím jazykem pracovat nejlíp z lidí v mém okolí až na mou matku... začínáš mě štvát ;-)"

        A když jsem jí řekl, že sice mám z angličtiny maturu, ale jinak mě naučil nejvíc život, internet a slovníky, nechápala :1:

        • Jindra60
          Jindra60, 9.4.19 11:15:25  
           

          Ano, je to tak. Vtip pochopíš, až začneš tím jazykem i přemýšlet, nejen jím mluvit. Proto doslovný překlad vtipu bývá v některých případech nepochopitelný a už vůbec ne vtipný.
          Anglicky, na rozdíl od němčiny, znám opravdu mizerně. A tam je to s problematikou vtipů totéž. Nesnášel jsem, když někdo na jednáních, kde jsem krom jiného dělal i simultánního tlumočníka, řekl, že "řekne vtip". To na mě šly osypky.

          • Zidane
            Zidane, 10.4.19 07:14:35  
             

            A přitom anglicky moc nemluvím - není možnost, já spíš čtenou, ať ve hrách nebo na netu :1:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 11.1.19 00:43:33  
     

    Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !

    • Mary321
      Mary321, 9.3.19 16:15:11  
       

      :1: :1: :1:

  • Domecek
    Domecek, 22.12.18 21:32:39  
     

    A group of young people is walking through a forest. Suddenly a young man of them shouted:"I want to piss!" The leader answered:"But it is better to say I need go to the toilet." "However I need no toilet nor it is here. I only want to piss!"

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 7.12.18 21:13:57  
     

    http://i61.tinypic.com/10ge6hz.jpg

  • Braddock
    Braddock, 4.12.18 19:12:40  
     

    Sice pár let starej, ale...

    The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

    Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

    Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

    The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

    The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.

    Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

    Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

    The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

    Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.

    All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a Gay Disco.

    Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

    The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.

    Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

    Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".

    All information on notices boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.

    Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

    The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

    The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.

    She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

    Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

    The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

    His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 27.11.18 12:33:50  
     

    - Where are you from?
    • Czechia
    - Chechnya?
    • No, Czechia..Prague, Ice Hockey and beer
    - Ah, Czechia... Babiš...
    • Oh no, sorry...Chechnya

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 18.11.18 17:21:25  
     

    An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”

    A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 16.11.18 13:38:00  
     

    I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."
    "Capricorn." I replied.
    "Yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 13.11.18 12:30:14  
     

    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/1c/51/16/1c5116a734a5a33f46b4589986d9b398.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 13.11.18 12:15:05  
     

    https://i.nyx.cz/files/00/00/14/86/1486631_6cabd14bb258da72009c.jpg?name=lRW9eee.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 10.11.18 00:35:29  
     

    Mickey Mouse went to the court to get a divorce from Minnie.
    The judge says: "I can not legally divorce you just because you think that Minnie is stupid."
    "I didn´t say that she was stupid. She is fucking Goofy!"

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 9.11.18 11:22:59  
     

    I have a friend called Guy Chapman.

    Or Person Personperson thanks to fucking feminists.

  • Sten
    Sten, 26.10.18 11:53:40  
     

    Programmers’ trial:
    “Does the jury find the defendant guilty or innocent?”
    “Yes!”

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 25.10.18 23:27:39  
     

    In hospital:
    "Son?"
    "Yes, Dad."
    "Before I go, I need you to do one thing for me."
    "Of course. What?"
    "Finish me off - with dignity."
    "Ok. I'll pull the curtain round but I'm not swallowing."

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 2.12.18 16:46:59  
       

      OMG! :14: :14: :14:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 25.10.18 23:27:03  
     

    'Single mums in your area are desperate to meet you now'.

    Too fucking right they do, I'm a benefits advisor.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 21.10.18 13:42:44  
     

    Fuck me, another royal brat. As if London hasn't already got enough niggers living off the state as it is.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 11.10.18 05:44:48  
     

    It's a little known fact that the writer of "Winnie the Pooh", A.A.Milne, had a smaller brother called A.A.A Milne.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 9.10.18 17:18:06  
     

    https://i.nyx.cz/files/00/00/19/01/1901928_fc06954ddb855558914f.jpg?name=4.jpg