Správci: Zidane (hlavní)
Máte vtip v jiném jazyku než je čeština nebo slovenština a nevíte, jak ho přeložit, nechce se vám nebo vtip přeložit nejde, aniž byste ho zabili? Zde je to pravé místo, kam s ním.
Překlady z méně obvyklých jazyků než je angličtina (ruština, finština, pandžábské dialekty atd.) vítány, ale nevyžadovány. Uvažte sami, nakolik očekáváte, že bude vtipu v originále porozuměno a buďte připraveni vyhovět ev. žádosti o překlad.
Držte se slušného vychování nebo se s Viktorem Čističem potážete či rovnou dostanete ban. Zda a jak budete potrestáni závisí na úvaze vedení klubu.
Sesterská fóra na české vtipy zde:
Nemůžete přispívat - nejste přihlášen!
- Zidane, 23.9.18 03:50:35
Why is 10 afraid of 7?
'Cause 7 8 9!
- Zidane, 15.9.18 19:22:45
A young secretary is first day at work, and meets her predecessor, who returned for a few last things. So the new secretary asks:
"Why did you get fired?"
"I did not want to let the boss come inside."
"Inside... your office?"
"I guess you could call it that."
- Zidane, 11.9.18 05:45:08
Did you know it's now politically incorrect to say 'black paint'?
Now you have to say "Tyrone can you please paint the fence".
- Zidane, 6.9.18 21:00:39
Genie: Whats your first wish?
Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
- Zidane, 6.9.18 20:56:56
How feminists end their prayers?
- Zidane, 6.9.18 20:38:25
"Welcome to our ool. Notice there is no P in it. Please keep it that way."
- Zidane, 25.8.18 11:50:50
From now on I'll be writing all my jokes in capitals.
This one was written in London.
- Zidane, 25.8.18 11:33:15
There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.
He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview.
Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly.
The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult.
Think well before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. "Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
"How?" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Admission for the course was thus secured.
- Zidane, 25.8.18 09:55:57
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
- Zidane, 23.8.18 08:52:36
A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic.
Because they are more likely to be dead.
- Zidane, 23.8.18 08:51:29
"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"
"Yes, we arson."
- Zidane, 20.8.18 17:28:27
A new Chinese administrator is walking through Hong Kong. He is happy to see all the Chinese restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The administrator asks, "How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The administrator asks, "Well, who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How in Hong Kong did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come here from China, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go 'What your name?' He say 'Hans Olaffsen.' She look at me...'What your name?' I say 'Sam Ting.'"
- Zidane, 2.8.18 09:18:04
My mate just asked me what ringtone I have . I said I haven't really looked. But I'll guess at light brown.
- Zidane, 2.8.18 09:16:17
"Have you not got a girlfriend?"
"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?"
"No dad, not at all."
"Are you gay?"
"No dad, and will you please go away with your lesbian fantasies?"
- Zidane, 30.7.18 17:32:35
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
- Zidane, 28.7.18 11:53:49
I introduced my new black girlfriend to my slightly deaf grandfather.
"She's Annika", I said.
"Yeah, I can see that", he replied.
- medved.cislo.9, 27.7.18 16:09:33
BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of you men who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine!
Wayne, was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car.Resuming the journey, the old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne.
'What's in the bag?' asked the old man.
Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said, ...'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'
The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
- Zidane, 18.7.18 19:05:54
Are those slaves?
No. Prisoners with jobs.
- Zidane, 18.7.18 19:01:42
19 and 20 had a fight.
- Zidane, 4.7.18 11:18:20
Kommt ein Mann vom Arzt zurück.
Fragt ihn seine Frau: "Na, was hat der Doktor gesagt?"
"Nein, ich meinte, was hast du?"
"Nur 20,- Euro!"
"Zum Kuckuck nochmal, was fehlt dir?"
- Zidane, 4.7.18 11:16:37
A jeden pro místní němčináře:
- Zidane, 4.7.18 11:15:40
I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist. Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.
- Zidane, 4.7.18 11:15:26
England does not have a kidney bank... but hey! It has a Liverpool!
- Zidane, 4.7.18 11:14:13
"You fancy my sister, don't you?" asked my wife.
"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."
"You mean 'than'."
- Zidane, 4.7.18 11:12:31
A gay robs a bank and on his way out a policeman sees him and shouts, "Freeze punk!"
The gay stops suddenly in his tracks, turns around and says, "Free?"
- Zidane, 3.7.18 05:53:13
"He used me for sex"
No, you used sex to get something else out of him and it didn't work.
- Jindra60, 3.7.18 06:28:35
:1: :1: kde na to chodíš?
- Zidane, 23.6.18 13:25:01
What is the difference between white and black fairytale? White fairytale begins:"Once upon the time...". and black begins: "Yo wont beleev this sh*t mothafucka!"
- Jindra60, 25.6.18 20:07:38
:14: :14: :14: :1: :1: :1:
- medved.cislo.9, 27.7.18 16:13:14
Ony Evropské hodnoty přesídlily do USA??? :7:
- Zidane, 17.6.18 04:22:52
Can you kill someone by throwing a penny off of the Empire State Building?
Yes, if there is a Jew on the roof with you.
- Zidane, 15.6.18 16:59:10
- Sten, 15.6.18 18:38:14
It's funny because it's quite true. Alan Turing didn't speak German.
- Zidane, 10.6.18 23:42:07
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tonnes.” I replied.
“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
- Zidane, 10.6.18 23:35:04
A captain was inspecting his ship when he found a woman hiding in a lifeboat. She pleaded with him not to arrest her because a sailor had sneaked her aboard.
"I met him at Southampton docks," she says. "I was feeling depressed and about to throw myself into the sea, but he offered to take me to Australia. He said that it would be a long voyage and there would be lots of stops, but as long as I stayed out of sight he would bring me food. In return, I've been giving him sex. So he's just been screwing me."
"He certainly has," said the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry."
- Zidane, 17.4.18 17:49:53
Americka zaba stoji znudene v antikvariatu u pultu, prohrabuje se knizkama, kazdou knizku vzdycky nejdriv omrkne a pak odlozi s hlaskou: "Rread it, rread it!"