Cizojazyčné vtipy

Otevřená diskuze | Kategorie: Humor
Sten (2018-09-23 13:56:39)Zidane (2018-09-23 03:53:53)Jindra60 (2018-09-20 14:06:37)Bouda05 (2018-09-16 22:17:48)xkox (2018-09-09 22:01:49)Braddock (2018-09-05 10:52:04)katerina.1789 (2018-08-28 06:42:48)Key.Maker (2018-03-10 15:09:35)radiac (2018-02-17 15:42:55)Neutrix (2018-01-25 21:43:52)kusurija (2017-09-25 19:57:51)Jirikovo (2017-07-25 21:43:24)Alice.Belickova (2016-05-21 23:05:53)
Založeno: 26. 4. 2016 | Příspěvků: 310 | Členů: 13
Správci: Zidane (hlavní)

Máte vtip v jiném jazyku než je čeština nebo slovenština a nevíte, jak ho přeložit, nechce se vám nebo vtip přeložit nejde, aniž byste ho zabili? Zde je to pravé místo, kam s ním.

Překlady z méně obvyklých jazyků než je angličtina (ruština, finština, pandžábské dialekty atd.) vítány, ale nevyžadovány. Uvažte sami, nakolik očekáváte, že bude vtipu v originále porozuměno a buďte připraveni vyhovět ev. žádosti o překlad.

Držte se slušného vychování nebo se s Viktorem Čističem potážete či rovnou dostanete ban. Zda a jak budete potrestáni závisí na úvaze vedení klubu.

Sesterská fóra na české vtipy zde:
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/104-vtipy-forky-kamenaky-cerny-humor/
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/2052-vtipne-vtipy/
https://www.diskutnici.cz/forum/2059-cerny-humor/

Nemůžete přispívat - nejste přihlášen!

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.9.18 03:50:35  
     

    Why is 10 afraid of 7?
    'Cause 7 8 9!

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 16.9.18 07:05:09  
     

    https://78.media.tumblr.com/c3310a4125332cbc2d3fb67d1c97ca37/tumblr_nca4z0NmXj1qb5gkjo1_1280.png

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 16.9.18 07:03:36  
     

    https://i0.wp.com/tumbledrycomics.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/2018-09-09-bigfoot.jpg?fit=650%2C3037

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 15.9.18 19:22:45  
     

    A young secretary is first day at work, and meets her predecessor, who returned for a few last things. So the new secretary asks:
    "Why did you get fired?"
    "I did not want to let the boss come inside."
    "Inside... your office?"
    "I guess you could call it that."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 11.9.18 05:45:08  
     

    Did you know it's now politically incorrect to say 'black paint'?
    Now you have to say "Tyrone can you please paint the fence".

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 10.9.18 19:24:33  
     

    Docela výstižně popsaný imperiální (říkám tomu britský, byť se to používá i v USA) měrný systém:

    http://umsle.peklo.biz/img/1536582379.jpg

    Metrický systém je dílo ďáblovo! Jedu autem čtyřicet tyčí za prasečí hlavu a tak se mi to líbí!

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 6.9.18 21:00:39  
     

    Genie: Whats your first wish?
    Dave: I wish I was rich.
    Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
    Rich: I want lots of money.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 6.9.18 20:56:56  
     

    How feminists end their prayers?
    Awomen

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 6.9.18 20:49:51  
     

    http://i.nahraj.to/f/1q0s.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 6.9.18 20:49:05  
     

    http://41.media.tumblr.com/a5f1004887599732a23aa3224fa2172c/tumblr_o52phn3fRQ1s9y3qio1_1280.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 6.9.18 20:38:25  
     

    "Welcome to our ool. Notice there is no P in it. Please keep it that way."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 6.9.18 20:08:13  
     

    https://i.nahraj.to/f/26sR.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 25.8.18 11:50:50  
     

    From now on I'll be writing all my jokes in capitals.

    This one was written in London.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 25.8.18 11:33:15  
     

    There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.
    He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview.
    Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly.
    The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
    "Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult.
    Think well before you make up your mind."
    The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
    "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. "Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
    The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
    "How?" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
    "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
    Admission for the course was thus secured.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 25.8.18 09:55:57  
     

    Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.8.18 08:52:36  
     

    A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic.
    Because they are more likely to be dead.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.8.18 08:51:29  
     

    "Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"
    "Yes, we arson."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 20.8.18 17:28:27  
     

    A new Chinese administrator is walking through Hong Kong. He is happy to see all the Chinese restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
    "Hans Olaffsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
    So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The administrator asks, "How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
    The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
    The administrator asks, "Well, who is the owner?"
    "I am he," answers the old man.
    "You? How in Hong Kong did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
    The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come here from China, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go 'What your name?' He say 'Hans Olaffsen.' She look at me...'What your name?' I say 'Sam Ting.'"

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 2.8.18 09:18:04  
     

    My mate just asked me what ringtone I have . I said I haven't really looked. But I'll guess at light brown.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 2.8.18 09:16:17  
     

    "Have you not got a girlfriend?"
    "No dad."
    "Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?"
    "No dad, not at all."
    "Are you gay?"
    "No dad, and will you please go away with your lesbian fantasies?"

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 30.7.18 17:32:35  
     

    Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

    The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 28.7.18 11:53:49  
     

    I introduced my new black girlfriend to my slightly deaf grandfather.
    "She's Annika", I said.
    "Yeah, I can see that", he replied.

  • medved.cislo.9
    medved.cislo.9, 27.7.18 16:09:33  
     

    BOTTLE OF WINE
    For all of you men who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine!
    Wayne, was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road.
    As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride.
    With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car.Resuming the journey, the old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne.
    'What's in the bag?' asked the old man.
    Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said, ...'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'
    The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
    'Good trade...'

    • Sten
      Sten, 27.7.18 17:56:58  
       

      I laughed. My wife didn't. :1: :1: :1:

      • Zidane
        Zidane, 27.7.18 21:11:36  
         

        Připomnělo Jahelku a: "Slavný soude, já nežaluju manžela, že mě v hospodě prodal za tři piva, ale tady jeho kumpána, kterej mě za dvě piva vrátil!" :1:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 18.7.18 19:05:54  
     

    Are those slaves?
    No. Prisoners with jobs.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 18.7.18 19:01:42  
     

    19 and 20 had a fight.
    21.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.7.18 11:18:20  
     

    Kommt ein Mann vom Arzt zurück.
    Fragt ihn seine Frau: "Na, was hat der Doktor gesagt?"
    "30,- Euro."
    "Nein, ich meinte, was hast du?"
    "Nur 20,- Euro!"
    "Zum Kuckuck nochmal, was fehlt dir?"
    "10,- Euro!"

    • Sten
      Sten, 4.7.18 12:18:21  
       

      To je jak s mou manželkou :1:

      • Jindra60
        Jindra60, 4.7.18 12:20:47  
         

        :1: :1: :1:

      • Zidane
        Zidane, 23.9.18 03:53:53  
         

        Dobře ti tak :1: :1: :1:

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 4.7.18 12:20:27  
       

      :1: :1: waren doch alles klare Antworten :14: :14:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.7.18 11:16:37  
     

    A jeden pro místní němčináře:

    http://asset-d.soupcdn.com/asset/13964/3068_dffb.jpeg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.7.18 11:15:40  
     

    I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist. Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.7.18 11:15:26  
     

    England does not have a kidney bank... but hey! It has a Liverpool!

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.7.18 11:14:13  
     

    "You fancy my sister, don't you?" asked my wife.
    "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."
    "You mean 'than'."
    "No."

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 4.7.18 11:12:31  
     

    A gay robs a bank and on his way out a policeman sees him and shouts, "Freeze punk!"

    The gay stops suddenly in his tracks, turns around and says, "Free?"

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 3.7.18 05:53:13  
     

    "He used me for sex"

    No, you used sex to get something else out of him and it didn't work.

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 3.7.18 06:28:35  
       

      :1: :1: kde na to chodíš?

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 23.6.18 13:25:01  
     

    What is the difference between white and black fairytale? White fairytale begins:"Once upon the time...". and black begins: "Yo wont beleev this sh*t mothafucka!"

    • Jindra60
      Jindra60, 25.6.18 20:07:38  
       

      :14: :14: :14: :1: :1: :1:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 17.6.18 17:43:54  
     

    http://i.nahraj.to/f/ns6.jpg

    • medved.cislo.9
      medved.cislo.9, 27.7.18 16:13:14  
       

      Ony Evropské hodnoty přesídlily do USA??? :7:

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 17.6.18 04:22:52  
     

    Can you kill someone by throwing a penny off of the Empire State Building?
    Yes, if there is a Jew on the roof with you.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 15.6.18 16:59:10  
     

    https://scontent-ams3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.15752-9/35200398_1004239713057864_2981348808329265152_n.png?_nc_cat=0&oh=695326fd845ae2b7cf8337a0adaa22cf&oe=5BBB02AC

    • Sten
      Sten, 15.6.18 18:38:14  
       

      It's funny because it's quite true. Alan Turing didn't speak German.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 10.6.18 23:42:07  
     

    “I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
    “And I love you tonnes.” I replied.
    “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.

    Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 10.6.18 23:35:04  
     

    A captain was inspecting his ship when he found a woman hiding in a lifeboat. She pleaded with him not to arrest her because a sailor had sneaked her aboard.
    "I met him at Southampton docks," she says. "I was feeling depressed and about to throw myself into the sea, but he offered to take me to Australia. He said that it would be a long voyage and there would be lots of stops, but as long as I stayed out of sight he would bring me food. In return, I've been giving him sex. So he's just been screwing me."
    "He certainly has," said the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry."

  • Jindra60
    Jindra60, 3.5.18 06:01:46  
     

    http://1url.cz/Htxot

  • Sten
    Sten, 22.4.18 11:09:17  
     

    https://i.redd.it/857s5zevqkvy.jpg

  • Zidane
    Zidane, 17.4.18 17:49:53  
     

    Americka zaba stoji znudene v antikvariatu u pultu, prohrabuje se knizkama, kazdou knizku vzdycky nejdriv omrkne a pak odlozi s hlaskou: "Rread it, rread it!"